the proper conduct of relationships

In relationships,

desires lead to misfortune.

Behave with discipline

and balance.

Kuei Mei is concerned with the guidelines for the proper conduct of relationships, whether they be social, romantic, or work related. The image here is of thunder roiling the surface of a lake, and it suggests that relationships can be disturbing to our peace of mind unless they are established and governed under proper principles.

The nature of relationships is that they lead us into the desire state: we begin to desire another, desire recognition, desire retribution, desire a particular outcome in a given situation. All of these desires lead us away from the equanimity that we aim to maintain as students of the I Ching. This hexagram often comes as a sign that you are in danger of sacrificing your composure in an effort to affect a relationship.

When someone does not treat you as you would like, you are faced with a choice as to what to do. While it may be tempting to abandon the relationship in anger or act aggressively to produce a result, neither of these is consistent with proper principles.

You are counseled instead to return to inner independence, acceptance, modestly, and gentleness. The greatest influence is always had through inner discipline and balance; less subtle measures may produce more immediate results, but they are seldom lasting.

This hexagram also teaches us that rushing into a relationship, rushing to resolve a relationship, or rushing to escape a relationship are all akin to rushing on ice: each invites a panful fall. Seek to establish relationships slowly and on proper principles, to allow them to evolve naturally, and to resolve disputes with patience and reserve.

If your primary relationship — that with the Sage — is open and ongoing and devoted, then all other relationships will fall into place.

The I Ching, or Book of Changes

Hexagram 54, Kuei Mei / The Marrying Maiden

Wei wu Wei Ching 54 ☯️ returning to innocence

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the way is without words

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In its essence,

the Way is without words.

All this talking and pointing

and carrying on, only signposts.

Gather too many of them

and they’ll weigh you

down. Just be

silent.

Wei wu Wei Ching, Chapter 58

Stop searching for

phrases and chasing after words.

Take the backward step and turn the light inward.

Your body-mind of itself will drop off and your

original face will appear. If you want

to attain just this, immediately

practice just this.

Dogen

pass freely into complete realization

aarto saari

No teacher

or master is in possession of

your enlightenment. Ultimately only

you can free yourself. Just shed your delusions

like a sweaty shirt and slip into the stream of

zen and tao, empty minded, quiet hearted,

at rest in the midst of everything

and at peace with all

that occurs.

Polish yourself

on your own over and over

until you disappear, and you’ll wake up

right where you are. You’ll see straight

through the snares of the world and

pass freely into complete

realization.

Wei wu Wei Ching, Chapter 27

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move steadily in a single direction

for the last day of your life

Consistent

correctness turns every

situation to your advantage.

The image of this hexagram is that of a gentle wind dispersing storm clouds. A wind that changes direction often, even a very powerful one, will disperse nothing—it only stirs up the sky. The wind that causes real change is the one that blows consistently in the same direction. There is an important lesson for us in this example.

When faced with a difficult problem to resolve or a goal we wish to achieve, we often are tempted to take striking and energetic actions. Though it is possible to achieve temporary results in this fashion, they tend to collapse when we cannot sustain the vigorous effort. More enduring accomplishments are won through gentle but ceaseless penetration, like that of a soft wind blowing steadily in the same direction. The truth of the Sage penetrates to us in this way, and this hexagram comes now to remind you that this is how you should seek to penetrate others.

The advice given to you by the I Ching is threefold. First, establish a clear goal; the wind that continually changes direction has no real effect. Second, apply the principle of gentle penetration to yourself; by eliminating your own inferior qualities you earn an influence over others. Third, avoid aggressive or ambitious maneuvers now; these are rooted in desire and fear and will only serve to block the aid of the Creative. The desirable influence is the one that flows naturally from maintaining a proper attitude.

In your interactions with others, bend like the willow. By remaining adaptable, balanced, accepting, and independent, and by steadily moving in a single direction, you gain the clarity and strength that make possible a series of great successes.

from The I Ching, or Book of Changes

Hexagram 57, Sun / The Gentle (The Penetrating Wind)

🪷

Right among the people coming and going

I have a place to stay

I shut the gate even in the daytime

And feel as though I had bought

Wo-chu the great mountain

And had it with me in town.

Never since I was born have I

Liked to argue, mouth full of blood.

My mouth is made fast to heaven and earth