Billionaire Baron Pierre von Omidyar to appeal to Dalai Lama to intervene in support of Ebay community’s chosen charity?
July 5th, 2010
“I will consider interceding on behalf of the small people.
I mean the whales.”
His Royal Hiney
The Baron Pierre von Omidyar
has received a request from the spiritual community
to appeal to his close friend the Dalai Lama for help in changing
his wife’s mind about the fate of the world’s whales. Her Royal Hiney
The Baroness and Grand Panjandrum Pamela von Omidyar (R-HI) has so far
refused, even in the face of a lengthy hunger strike by an ordained minister, to lift
a finger to stop the illegal murder-for-meat operations going on in the Southern
Ocean Whale Sanctuary. The request was sent to Baron von Omidyar –
who founded Ebay and has reaped tens of billions of dollars from
it – on Friday at his homes in Las Vegas, Honolulu,
Beverly Hills, Laguna Beach, San Francisco,
Deer Valley, Utah, and
elsewhere.
Omidyar professes to admire
the compassion of, consistently re-tweets,
and has “shared the stage”, in his words, with His Holiness
the Dalai Lama, who turns 75 on July 6th. Given their close association,
the Baron was believed to be the last best hope of the whales and whale calves
who are being shot, drowned, and flayed alive with heated knives. His wife
has declined repeated and vigorous entreaties to issue a small baronial
dispensation or even address the matter through the media
centers at any of her many foundations, baronial
luxury resorts, and real estate
holding companies.
Known for her intransigence
on the whale issue, Baroness Pamela von Omidyar
is referred to by cetacean activists around the world as
“the Whore of Babble-on” for her hypocritical stance on ocean issues.
They are believed to be pressing her husband Pierre — a man who some say
is a kshamãnidhaye, in spiritual terms (in spite of his attempts to use
local police departments to silence critics) — to make an entreaty to
His Holiness the Dalai Lama at his 75th birthday celebration
on Tuesday. The request would be tantamount to
asking Don Corleone for a favor at his
only daughter’s wedding.
Given that the Ebay community
just yesterday voted Sea Shepherd their
favorite non-profit organization in the world, hopes are
running high that the consent of Her Royal Hiney to stopping the
murders can be obtained through this extraordinarily
high-level tete a tete between two
spiritual powerhouses.
In an earlier interview
with Forbes, the Baron and Baroness von Omidyar
acknowledged the importance of having the Ebay community
and the larger world at least buy the
image of their goodness
and largesse:
a human business, not a technology
business,” Omidyar says during a long, late-day talk
in Paris. “We don’t want to be perceived as flakes. That would
be a waste of our minds.” “And our hearts,”
his wife says, taking his hand.
Of the two,
the Baron von Omidyar is believed
to be the more authentically sympathetic to whales.
“Jesus H. Christ on a chick’s pink bike!” he may have commented
to a reporter over the weekend, “did you read the July issue of Outside magazine,
that article about the orca that killed a trainer at Sea World?! Orcas are widely
regarded by scientists to be the most deeply social, family-oriented creatures
on Earth — virtually all of them stay with their mothers throughout their
lives, and when the mothers die, the sons often perish of apparent
heartbreak shortly thereafter. And it’s a billion dollar
business, trapping them and selling them to marine
parks! Didja know that the first one that was
ever trapped, 40 members of his family
swam alongside him to Seattle,
450 miles?”
Omidyar continued,
maybe, “Humans, man, what the jeepers!
Noise-bombing orcas to trap them, ripping apart their
families, taking the children to a Gitmo-for-whales! Don’t people
understand that’s the biggest dolphin in the world? They’re echolocators —
they don’t use their eyes like us, they see and map the world by clicking, by sonar!
What does it do to a creature like that, who lives as long as a person, to spend her
entire life confined in a concrete bathtub where every click she makes is
reflected back to her in a maddening circle, along with the non-stop
sounds of pumps and filters?! They get
ulcers, that’s what!”
“They kill person
after person when they’re in captivity,
like that Tilikum / Shamu did! He tore off Dawn
Brancheau’s arm! He ripped the testicles off another dude
he killed, and hey, as a man without any ‘nads, I feel
that! There’s never, ever been an orca attack
on a human in the wild — what
does that tell you?”
Omidyar’s eyes widened,
perhaps. “And the people who are murdering
them in Antarctica! Listen, Sea Shepherd — dude, at Ebay,
we’re giving them fifteen thousand whole dollars! — travels thousands
of miles through the most dangerous waters in the world to stop them by throwing
rotten butter and driving their inflatable boats in the path of the harpoons?!
Rotten butter?! Where in the name of Buddha are the F-16s? Where are
the drones? What the hell do I keep giving millions of dollars to
Barack Obama for, anyway?! Don’t get me started.
Humanity is perverse, dude, and
that by the year 2020, when he will be 52,
he will have turned over all but 1% of his wealth.
Whale activists, as well as the Omidyar’s own children —
said to gaze in wonder at the whales which spout near the family’s
many beachfront residences — and people of conscience everywhere are
hoping that Pierre von Omidyar can persuade the Baroness Pam von
Omidyar to break off a tiny 1% share of their staggering fortune,
an amount which Sea Shepherd founder Paul Watson
has said could put an end to illegal whaling
on Earth forever.
The blank black space
directly above this press release will
be reserved to print Baron von Omidyar’s response
to the Earth’s request for intercession with
His Holiness the Dalai Lama.
Please check back
for updates.
An announcement is expected
within days regarding a new documentary film
about the Baron and Baroness
von Omidyar.
While we sit gloating in our greatness
Justice is sinking to the bottom of the sea
Living in the wasteland of the free
Yo, P! How’s my dossier coming?
Careful, now.
