Hayward: “Ocean’s fooked, let’s go race our yachts, old chap!” — Omidyar: “I feel you, dawg, I’m-a get a mani-pedi!”

June 20th, 2010

sometimes you wake up and the world is funny sometimes funny ha ha and sometimes funny another way and sometimes it’s both and it just rolls over you like a wave   or like a wave full of oil   i don’t know if you heard but there’s a little problem with the ocean well okay maybe it’s not a little problem maybe it’s the biggest problem of all time but try getting the President to say that nosiree no can do anyway the world is like that sometimes and yesterday it was like that when Tony Hayward the architect of that beautiful wave decided to take a break from the stress oh the stress of all his problems was so great he needed to get his life back not like the eleven people who died when the Deepwater Horizon exploded because of all the corners he was cutting but in a different way so he went to race his yacht Bob on the ocean same ocean yeah funny huh

crikey it’s enough to make you put your screwface on enough with all the cameras and attention can’t a brother go race his yacht without all the cameras everywhere  that’s the way it is for public figures full time job people clawing and yammering at you all the time about how you should do things differently   like me yammering about the billionaire hypocrite Pam Omidyar about how may she oughta do something about the damn oceans instead of just twitter and yap about it that gets on her nerves like people always chapping Tony’s ass about a little yachting during an armaggedocatastrofuck  so yesterday Omidyar went to one of the giant pile of fancy resorts owned by her self-described  “prominent American family” so she could get a mani-pedi and and just chill

oh wait wrong picture that’s one of the spa rooms in her Montage Beverly Hills resort not one of the spa rooms in her Montage Laguna Beach resort or her Montage Deer Valley resort goodness how they pile up when you’re a billionaire it’s enough to stress you out and pretty soon you need a Montage Los Cabos resort to get some real downtime kick back and relax because hey Cabo is Cabo you know   anyway yesterday it was Laguna not Cabo not Beverly Hills not Deer Valley not Hawaii not Las Vegas but Laguna but it’s hard to get away from all the stress when you’re a billionaire okay okay multi multi billionaire and people are writing about you and how you say you love the oceans and the whales and the dolphins and the reefs but you don’t do dick about it and you gotta see what they’re saying so you check in from whichever resort you’re at today

and oh it’s tiresome and you sigh and you gotta talk to pierre the hubby who made all the cha-ching that bought those resorts in the first place and he’s gotta have a little look too

well okay not a little look that’s a pretty thorough look but that’s what happens sometimes when someone tells a billionaire he has tiny testicles

it sticks in his craw because hey he’s a billionaire prominent American family and all that say what’s all this about my testicles he says

sometimes he asks that six times or so and it’s understandable you know someone criticizes your paucity of sack it gets to you and you just have to sit and obsess over it a while like back in early june

or you gotta have somebody else check in from one of your many offices many places and read what people are saying about you but never mind all the tracking information anyway suffice it to say it’s a big doggone hassle to be multi multi billionaires and collect resorts like puka shells in your hair

people jaw at you night and day about how maybe you oughta do something in the way of peace and love for the whales and the oceans you love so much the same one actually since there’s only one ocean it’s the one that laps at the shores of your resorts and homes in laguna and hawaii and cabo and beverly hills and on and on and on and on and that’s how it goes on and on just like a whales tongue does

they’re super big and they sing songs around the world with them and they lick their calves with them because they love them just like you love your own little billionaire children who don’t have to eat whale meat in school like little japanese children do except they can’t lick their children with them  sometimes because they’re both dying in the whaleport of  the Nisshin Maru

a ship of death you could put out of commission for way less money than any one of your puka string of resorts cost you but you don’t because you’re busy getting a mani-pedi and thinking about going to Cabo to get away from it all and you’re thinking “hey tony hayward i feel your pain dawg i need a drink of cool cool water let’s go get a drink from our hose yo”

hey Pierre world’s richest Iranian as they say lil’ p.s. here  just one more quick question for you while i got you here on father’s day how you think this one works out

i’ll tell you how  they bomb it into rubble just like afghani just like iraq all the mosques or maybe just the luftallah in isfahan

or maybe just the shah on the other side of the square

but they bomb something that’s what they do    that’s how their world is organized    half our economy flows through the pentagon   you think your friend barry magic is going to unwind that look at his wars his drone strikes his beloved generals he’ll bomb those mosques and he’ll bomb your relatives too brother  and he’ll write the face of american military power and money across the faces of children who share your very blood if not your treasure

hold those images in your mind next time you’re sleeping in the lincoln bedroom world’s richest iranian   the only way that gets unwound before it happens is if poets and musicians and artists and people with novel ideas unwind it and reset our relationship with Iran like kabir unwound things between the hindus and muslims back in the day   like paul watson and sea shepherd are unwinding it for the whales   like shahram nazeri is trying to unwind things in tehran   nazeri that great man and great voice who was detained and silenced for protesting his oppressive government recently   those too get unwound by art and music and organizing people yes they do anyway here’s shahram nazeri to sing the most beautiful music in the world while you look at the most beautiful buildings in the world and the most ruined children in the world and think about things this is “abe-e hayat-e eshgh” which means “love, fountain of life”   oh ain’t that the truth for whales and billionaires and persians and children and all of us alike