Farmers Insurance CEO Bob Woudstra plays golf in panties with his dark German overlord, Manfred Gentz of Zurich Financial Services

December 16th, 2009

Breaking news, 12/21/09: Woudstra, Gentz retain international law firm Skadden Arps to have me killed!

So,

funny story.

Or maybe not.  You decide.

Kinda long, but full of explosions and shocks

and nefarious lies and fucking-of-the-little-man by

corporate CEOs like Bob Woudstra of

Farmers Insurance Company,

who plays golf in

panties.

I bought

a new home two and a half

years ago, very cool little treehouse condo,

right smack in downtown Boulder, but on open space.

Creek and pond directly beneath my living room and office.

Geese, ducks, foxes, muskrat, Uncle Tommy

Mud Terkle, snakes, the works.

Like so:

180° view,

facing south, of the Flatirons

and the entire Boulder valley.  200 yards from

Whole Foods, Vitamin Cottage, and Barnes & Noble.  50 yards

from my gym, 75 from my dentist and bank, a hop skip and a jump to

the Apple Store, sixteen movies theaters, Target, restaurants,

the list goes on and on.  WalkScore: 86 out of 100.

Top floor, end unit, skylights,

sunshine, quietude,

perfection.

Less

than six months

after I move in, an electrical surge

takes out my stereo.  It’s expensive.  Strange thing,

though, when the surge happens, it only happens to one side of

my home, and it doesn’t disturb a thing in the breaker box.  The place is

too small to be on more than one transformer, and if a surge flashes

past a breaker without tripping it, then something ain’t wired

right.  All this points to Xcel, the power company, having

screwed something up when the place

was constructed.

I talk

to the developer, and

it turns out that Xcel had to dig up

a whole parking lot and redo a bunch of their work.

I root like heck for hard information on this, get it in the form

of a confirmation letter from Xcel, and pass it on to Farmers,

my insurer, because I feel bad that they got stuck with

the bill.  Some lady in an office does a half-hearted

job of subrogating the claim

to Xcel, and

fails.

Cut to

November 3, 2009.

I’m at my desk overlooking the pond,

in the morning, bringing you videos of octopus opening

bottles or Dick Cheney skullfucking a baby or something.  A huge

explosion goes off outside my place, half the house goes

dark and loses power.  My stereo dies.  My computer

goes black, then shows this on about

the 17th failed restart

attempt:

I call

Farmers with the bad

news.  They can’t get an adjuster out

right away.  I need a computer right away.

Apple tries and fails to repair it.  Farmers tells me exactly

what kind of documentation they need to justify a replacement, and Apple

provides exactly that in writing, saying, in effect, “This computer is

fucked 18 ways to Christmas.  It cannot be fixed.  Buy a new

one.”  I fax that to Farmers before the ink is dry.

(I’m also telling the adjuster, “Xcel, Xcel,

Xcel, Xcel…”)

Among

the reasons for this,

besides the fact that it’s unjust for

either me or Farmers to get stuck for a problem

that is rooted in Xcel, is that my home could end up uninsurable.

Multiple surges costing tens of thousand of dollars apiece = the treehouse without

a policy.  I can’t fight Xcel legally.  They say, “Hey, talk to your insurer, get paid.”  They have

lawyers aplenty, and time and money more than I.  Farmers, on the other hand,

is both the truly aggrieved party — having absorbed the first loss and

facing another that doesn’t make sense — and the one with

the time and resources to take

on a large power

company.

Anyway.  Farmers

comes out in about ten

days — an adjuster, Brittni Girk, and her manager,

Jack Gelley, and a third party technician whose name I’ll leave

out of it because he’s a nice man and innocent.  I demonstrate, for about

an hour, everything that’s wrong with my stereo and television.  The list is

long and it takes a while.  They nod, ask questions, I demonstrate,

re-demonstrate whenever they ask, they take it all in.

Unbeknownst to them, there’s a video recorder

running on top of the fireplace, and a digital

audio recorder in my iPhone on my desk,

too — hey, it’s an insurance

company, right?

They leave.

They email me, saying

“We didn’t see nuttin’, you gotta give

it all to RescueTech for testing and fixing!”

Well, the manufacturers, Linn and Naim, both Scottish

companies, have policies about these things.  First, if you let

someone else try to repair their gear, your five year warranty is now void.

Second, if your gear has been electrically surged, they will not attempt to repair it

themselves, and for very good reason.  Surges stress the shit out of components

that don’t always fail right away.  If they fail six months or a year later,

and they always do, then Linn or Naim is on the hook for a

warranty claim which they shouldn’t be on the

hook for.  The surge did it, not a faulty

component or manufacturing

process.

And

of course, I went

through all this with Farmers less

than two years ago.  ”Replace, don’t repair” — otherwise

my warranties are voided, and my contract with Farmers does

not require me to imperil my own gear and destroy

my warranty protection in order

to save them a

nickel.

They persist.

Many, many emails are exchanged,

and I’m polite and informative but firm.

The third party technician, with whom I have been

exchanging emails, falls silent when I ask “Did you or did you not

observe…”  Same with the Farmers Insurance adjuster and her manager,

except that they’re actually repeatedly telling me in writing, “We

didn’t see nuttin’!  Tear up your living room and turn

all that stuff over to the RescueTech

folks and void your

warranties!”

Much

back and forth.

I inform them about the videotape

and digital audio recording and ask if they want

to keep barking up this tree.  They counter by telling me that

someone at Naim said, “Ah, anyone can repair that stuff.”  My audio dealer

talks to Naim, and it turns out they called and got a quick quote from the janitor.

The people who are qualified to speak to the issue say what they’ve

always said: “any repairs to any Naim units thus struck are

not covered by warranty, nor will there be

any warranty after said

repairs”.

I include

Farmers Insurance

CEO Bob Woudstra, who golfs in panties,

in the loop.  The communications

eventually, of necessity,

take a different

tone:

You’re lying and manipulating again — getting someone who isn’t qualified to address the question to answer a phone, obtaining a quote you can bend to your plan, and proceeding to tell me how things are going to be, even though following your instructions would violate the manufacturer’s warranty policy and, as I have repeatedly told you, void my warranties and destroy my financial interest in my own property. Here’s what the people qualified to speak say and have said from the beginning: “any repairs to any Naim units thus struck are not covered by warranty, nor will there be any warranty after said repairs”.

You’re attempting to defraud me, as you have from the beginning. You’re doing it by lying and manipulating. You come into my home, observe certain things, and then say right to my face that it never happened. Every time you send me a letter or an email, there’s a lie in it. Every communication on your part is laced with untruth and an attempt to improve your financial position by ruining mine, in direct contravention of the policy for which I paid you in good faith.

I’ve had enough. I’m busy, beyond busy, as I’ve described. Here is my settlement offer: Attached is an invoice from Audio Alternative for the replacement of my damaged equipment. The sub-total is $17,219.90. (The DVD player in the attached receipt is different from, but cheaper than, the one that is being replaced. It’s an availability issue. The CD player I have is not longer available, and the slightly modified new model is listed here.) Attached is the receipt for my computer replacement, already paid. The sub-total is $3106.00. That’s $20,325.90. Add in my $1,000 deductible from your non-attempt to properly subrogate the claim to Xcel last time. That’s $21,325.90. (Incidentally, I’ve requested by phone the confirmation-of-the-surge letter from Xcel, which they promise will come by mail within two weeks according to them, depending on the work load in that department, and which I will forward it to you immediately, and which will be the last in a long line of efforts on my part to assist the Farmer’s Insurance Company in dealing with this situation as it should have been dealt with for more than two years.)

Add to $21,325.90 one letter of apology for your handling of this matter and, let’s say, $3,674.10 for making me write all these goddamn emails to you when you hadn’t the slightest intention of ever dealing with me in good faith, and for lying to my face, and for attempting to manipulate me again and again. That’s a total of $25,000. Have a cashier’s check at my door by 5 p.m. on Friday for that amount, and I will release you from any further obligation for this claim upon the endorsement of that check and I will agree not to discuss the matter further in public in any way.

I explain

for weeks that if they

don’t start acting honorably, I’m going to

hand them their ass on the internet, sort of like Dave Carroll

handed United Airlines their ass when they played

tackle football with his Taylor geetar

and refused to be

responsible:

(As of this

moment, that video has been

viewed 6,595,373 6,603,540 6,644,917 6,701,923 times.

That’s what United got in public relations

value for the $3,000 they

hoarded by stiffing Dave

Carroll.)

Their response:

“You have to tear up your

living room and turn this stuff over

to RescueTech for

repair.”

So

I’ve been busy,

as you know, beefing with Barry Magic

about setting peoples’ kids on fire for no good reason,

and having Jeff Bezos and Amazon censor my new book, then un-censor

it, then re-censor it part way just for good measure.  But I take time

out, and register some domain names, and I send yet another

missive to CEO Bob Woudstra of Farmers Insurance

Company, who plays golf in panties.

It goes like this:

Dear Mr. Woudstra (and company), and Manfred Gentz as soon as I have his proper email address,

I’m afraid I have some bad news. I am going to have to impose some new fees. As I have received yet another letter from you claiming that you can turn my electronics over to someone to test and/or repair them, you have violated the provision of my previous settlement offer which stated: “add $5,000 for any day in which you send me a lying, manipulating email or letter to which I have to respond”. Therefore, your total of $25,000 (as of last Friday, a date you chose to let go by) is now $30,000. Except that it isn’t, because you let Saturday, Sunday, and Monday pass, and that, of course, has triggered this clause in my settlement offer: “That’s my settlement offer. If you don’t meet it, add $1,000 a day until you do. Include the weekends.” So your total indebtedness to me is, as of this moment, $33,000.

Except that it isn’t. I’ve just registered a couple of domain names for my new website about Farmers Insurance. It costs $8.59 per year per site to do that. I’ve registered several, the names of all of which I do not care to share just yet. Some of them include phrases like “Farmers Insurance”. I will share one, however, and because you can confirm that I have registered it, I feel comfortable passing along the cost of the domain registration to Farmers. Therefore, your total is now $33,008.59. The registered domain is www.golfinginpantieswithmanfredgentzandbobwoudstra.com

It’s not active yet, but it will be soon. Lots of photo editing and video editing to do — as you can see, I’m a little rough around the edges:

All this brings me to my next subject, which is some other tariffs you will be incurring as a result of your desire to defraud me. Normally I would charge anyone, anywhere, $2,000 per day to fiddle around with constructing a website. I hate doing it, it’s tedious, time-consuming, and annoying work. I enjoy other things. Even when I have a web developer working for me, it’s awful — constant dictation of what I want, constant checking to see if it’s happening, corrections, etc. etc. ad. inf. Just awful, nitpicky, vexing work at a computer, where I already spend too much time. That would be my normal fee, and I am charging you that fee for today, because I have already done some work on my new websites about Farmers Insurance. Therefore, your new total is $35,008.59, and unless the mailman brings me a nasty surprise this afternoon, you’re good until tomorrow at that figure to settle this matter, should you perform the necessary rectal craniotomies.

However, going forward from today, because I have just completed one Huge Colossal Buttload of work on my new website — nice, huh? — I am sick and tired of website work. So, now that I have given you fair notice, my website fee will be billed going forward at time and a half, or $3,000 per day. Therefore, if I wake up tomorrow and this matter is not settled and I need to continue work on your new websites, that fee will apply. Same goes for Thursday, and Friday, and — well, you get the point. I reserve the right to go to double time if the work is especially demanding, and there’s a good chance of that, because it is going to require me to do some image editing work and some video editing work, and I do not know how to do those well, as I have demonstrated above and below. I have many skills, but not those.

So I’m going to have to get sharp with some new technology in order to make Manfred and Bob look good golfing, and to edit and post the video of Brittni and Jack and their technician in my home observing the equipment failures they’ve repeatedly denied that they observed. We may be a few days out from that as I’m dicing it up with the President of the United States at the moment — read my website if you’re interested — and that is my first priority. However, I think you can safely anticipate my fee for website work going to $4000/day fairly soon.

Also, there is the matter of talent. A cursory search of the worldwide web shows a great many men playing golf in their underwear, but no fat, saggy women. Those are the kinds of bodies I’d prefer to graft Farmers heads onto. So I’m going to have to hire some fat chicks. I’m going to have to do that in Colorado, because I don’t have time to travel now, very busy with the President of the United States. So I’m going to have to pay very well, since I want them to go out on a golf course naked and let me take their pictures. They’re going to want extra dough because it’s cold. Then I’m going to want them to get muddy hacking out of a cold-ass water hazard, and you know how actors are — “gimme, gimme, gimme!”

I assume I’ll also be required to rent the golf course for private use as I’ll want the fat chicks naked but for panties. No estimate yet, will forward when available.

So. I believe that’s it for now. Oops, no it isn’t. Mr. Woudstra, neither you nor anyone from your office has responded to any of my communications. I find that unconscionable. I have had to communicate with other CEOs in my life. Why, just a couple of months ago, I had a problem with Amica where they were continuing to auto-extract money from my bank account for a policy for an Audi I had sold months before. I’d notified them, but they kept billing me, and after a couple of rounds of trying to get it sorted out, I emailed Bob DiMuccio, their CEO. That afternoon a vice president called me and said it was handled and gave me his home number to use if there were any other issues. Now that’s service!

You should emulate Bob D., and I’m going to add a little incentive beyond the moral and ethical one that already exists to recognize the fact that your customers pay your greens fees. Beginning tomorrow, if I have to email you for any reason — like getting another letter like the one Farmers sent me yesterday — and I do not get a response within two business days, I am going to impose the Bob Woudstra Memorial Fuck The Little People Tax. That’s $1,500 per occurrence.

Okay, then. That’s all for now. As I said, your new total is $35,008.59. A phone call or email about how best to get a check to me will not incur any other additions to the settlement offer amount. All others, I trust you understand, will.

Sorry about the rough Photoshop jobs. I’ll do better next time. You can bet your bottom dollar on it.

Your friend,

Brian Walker

p.s. Please don’t waste any of your shareholders’ money on having lawyers threaten me or any of the multiple hosting services I’ll be utilizing. You and Manny are public figures, and in America, that changes the defamation scenario. I can put you in pink panties in a water hazard full of mud all I want, and there isn’t one damn thing you can do about it. If you imagine I fear either of you, I refer you to Mr. Obama and our ongoing conversation, and also the one young Jeff Bezos started with me on Sunday. Mr. Obama has the CIA, FBI, NSA, Rangers, Green Berets, and a host of other arrows in his quiver. I’m not afraid of arguing with him when I feel I’m in the right. Mr. Bezos is a billionaire and closely allied with a lot of other web billionaires and I’m not afraid of him, either. (A denial-of-service attack was launched on my website this morning, but it has been repelled. I try to stay on top of things when there’s a dispute afoot.) So, you understand, I do not fear a couple of old duffers in their panties.

p.p.s. My friend Blake has developed the coolest technology, called Flixor, patent granted, where he an put anyone’s head into a video. So expect some good golfing vids at www.golfinginpantieswithmanfredgentzandbobwoudstra.com

No response.

___________________

So.

Hope you enjoyed the

long and tangled story.  I haven’t, so far, it’s been

a huge headache at a time when I’m dealing with serious stuff.

But I’m starting to, because it helps me get my giggle on to

turn unethical insurance men into fat muddy chicks

and have them fart, hatch plots, and make love in

the mud on a golf course.  Oops, I think I gave

away a story line.  Never mind,

there are many

others to

come.

Farmers

Insurance’s total indebtedness

to me is now $39,008.59.  That’s the $35,008.59 from

yesterday, plus another day’s non-settlement fine of $1,000,

plus the BW Had to Work On a Website about Farmers Insurance Fraud

tariff of $3,000 for today.  Because that’s what I was doing writing this.  This story

is not on any of the new sites I’m building for Farmers yet, because those take time

to build, like this website did.  But it will be.  There will be imagery, and video, and

copies of Farmers emails, and lots more.  Look for that soon.  Look for some very

funny and erotically charged videos of Bob and Manfred Gentz playing golf

in panties and talking about the best way to pay for golf club dues and

green fees and clubhouse hookers by stiffing insurance

customers on totally legitimate claims, because they

can, because they’re a big monolithic granite-faced

company with lawyers and money and an

all-mighty “Fuck you, little man”

lever they like to

throw.

Santa

and his elves

are hard at work,

Bob.  Tell Manny when

you guys are relaxing

over karaoke at the

19th hole.