I have an FBI file, and Jesus, now there’s goat porn in it
December 8th, 2009
I haven’t
wanted to say
anything before, but I’ve
been collecting goat porn for years.
What prompts this confession are the ongoing
revelations that companies like Google, Yahoo, Verizon,
Comcast, and — well, everydamnbody — are sharing all the information
they have about us with the “authorities”. (Marvelous term,
that — but on what is George W. Bush an
authority? John Ashcroft? Dick
Cheney?)
In
informationsführer and
Google CEO Eric Schmidt, “If you have
something that you don’t want anyone to know,
maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.” I guess
my goat porn collection falls into that category, but hey,
at least I’m finally talking about it, and like Tiger
Woods, I regret these transgressions
with all my
heart.
It
started,
according to iPhoto,
on April 1, 2002 — that’s the date
I copied that image above onto my computer.
What was I thinking? Well, I don’t know. Noting the date,
one might assume I was goofing around in some
way. But look at the humdinger
I acquired on December 3,
2009:
What
in the name of God
is that about? And what is
wrong with me? I’m so ashamed.
Okay, it’s fine art, but still, WTF? Why couldn’t
I just be into facials, or bukkake, or hairy-handed gents who
run amok in Kent, like every other preacher? But no: for over seven
years, I, Brian, have been amassing a collection of goat porn.
Now — and I apologize, Mom — I’m going
to show you the rest of it.
Downloaded June 12,
2007:
That’s
homoerotic goat porn,
unless I miss my guess. Sickening.
And look at this, downloaded
October 13,
2008:
Some
people might say,
“Brian, that’s just a majestic
Colorado mountain goat in the wild!
Nothing wrong with that!” But look at him —
that is one studly goat. I admire his form.
Or hers, I’m not sure. I guess I’m
bi-goatal. I feel
dirty.
But
I’m glad I showed you
my pervalicious collection. Yes, that’s it,
out of the 9,641 photographs on my computer this morning,
four goat porners. Not a clear indictment, some might
say, but more than you have, I’ll wager. So send
it on, Mr. Schmidt. Add it to my file,
Mr. Holder.
When
did your FBI or NSA
file begin? What’s in it today? Mine started,
perhaps, when the late Edward Abbey included me in
a book dedication. Anyone who’d defend the Earth against a bulldozer, as
Ed Abbey was wont to do, is clearly a terrorist, as they’ve since helped
us to understand — never mind that the NY Times called
him “the Thoreau of the
American
West”.
Who
knows what else
is in there? I don’t, and there’s
not much point requesting it when they black
everything out. No doubt there’s something about this book
called The Art of War which suggests that perhaps Barack Obama should
stop scattering American blood and treasure all over southwest Asia.
And that maybe we ought to take a very hard look at ourselves
if an evangelical nutcase with the IQ of a Jello Surprise
is talked about seriously as a candidate for the
highest offices in all the land. And that
I also have some revealing photos
of a very fetching young
Dick Cheney in my
collection:
Oh, well.
Thanks to Eric Schmidt and
Brian Roberts and the rest of ze informationsführers,
the world finally sees me for what I really am.
Thank you for coming, and as they
say in Vegas, enjoy John
Ashcroft!
